Proverbs 21
Content warnings: Sexual molestation & suicide.
When I was 13, my parents divorced. When I was 15, I was molested by my dentist. And, at 22, I married an abusive alcoholic (I fact I didn’t know when I said “I do”.)
At 31, I buried my mother. And, 6 years later, I buried my son due to suicide.
At 50, I had breast cancer and at 59, I became a widow when my husband died of throat cancer.
Did I ever get angry with God? Yes. Did I ever think God was punishing me? Yes. Did I ever think God didn’t hear my prayers? Yes.
After my mothers accident and death, I was SO angry with God! How could He do this to me?? Didn’t He know how special she was? Proverbs 21:30 says “There is no wisdom, no understanding, no counsel against the Lord.” Human plans and wisdom cannot prevail against God’s will. God’s plans are always better than my plans. I planned on my mother being around for another 50 years. I loved her. I needed her. God had different plans. God had beter plans. I learned to lay my tears and pain at the foot of the cross. With time and lots of prayer, my faith was restored. (God will always chase us down!)
So, when I lost my son six years later, I still grieved…. I still fell to my knees in heartache. But, I KNEW I needed to go to God first. I prayed that He help me through this storm. I prayed that He let me lean on Him. I KNEW, through faith, that God’s plan was bigger than mine. I didn’t have to KNOW God’s plan, I just had to have faith.
For a long time, I told people that I felt cheated that I lost my mom at such a young age. I told people that burying a child is not the natural order of things….why did it happen to me? Well…..who am I to think God owes us…owes me? Who am I to think that God cheated me out of time with either my mom or my son? Proverbs 21:4 says “Haughty eyes and proud heart – the guides of the wicked – are sin.” Humility is valued by God. Praying about that….. reading scripture…..talking with the Holy Spirit, I now KNOW that each day is a gift from our Father. Got blessed me with 32 wonderful years with my mom. God blessed me with 15 incredible years with my beautiful boy. What amazing gifts from God!! God loves me enough to bless me in such a remarkable way.
The dentist who molested me? The abusive husband? Many years later, I learned to pray about it. I learned to read scripture. I learned to lay both these circumstances at the feet of Jesus and lean on Him. Proverbs 21:12 says, “The Righteous One considers the house of the wicked; He brings the wicked to ruin.” Through prayer and the mercy of our Father, I was eventually able to forgive them both. I knew that it wasn’t my place to seek revenge. God’s got it!
Everyone wants to stand on the mountain and shout with God. But, God knows that often, we need to be planted in the valley. In the valley, we grow. The soil is richer in the valley. In the valley, we are led to a deeper understanding and appreciation of His presence and power. Remember, David defeated Goliath in the valley. I am honored that through my life, God has loved me enough to help me grow in my relationship with Him.
Prayer:
Lord, I come before You, acknowledging that You are always right. I trust in Your guidance. Help me to recognize that my own ways are not always right. Grant me humility and the willingness to seek Your wisdom and guidance in all my decisions. I trust in Your unfailing love and faithfulness and that Your path for me leads to life, prosperity and honor. May I always be a vessel of Your love and grace. In Jesus name, Amen.